1/16/2021 KMHQ
Dear Auntie Bear,
My Ex/separated wife trying to make me feel guilty for not willing to stay at hers with the kids for the weekend just so I can do some DIY jobs for her.
Telling me it's my kids home and that she's trying to build a home for the kids.
Threatening me that shes got lots of friends who will say "he's their dad he should be helping you out wtf"
Still I refused, said that we're broken up and that she's my ex and I'm not having a weekend of rows in your house so i can do your DIY. "we're still married" is her next argument.
She got the hump and hung up saying she's had enough. Am expecting moody messages to come or a row when i pick up kids next to take them to mine.
There is many unaddressed factors that limit my perception for suggestion, but I'll give it a try. You indicate not living in the family home and pending divorce. Presuming you've accepted that as the fate, then you are doing the necessary first steps. One of the best things to be learned as early as is possible in all separations is for each to set healthy boundaries for themselves and especially so for and when there's children inflicted, and to honorably and respectfully stick to them.
It's wise to tread lightly on that one because you easily can be taken for granted for a thousand tasks and still end up the bad guy when there's one you cannot do. If it something that directly impacts the kids safety and quality of life then ok, but the other stuff is for the most part on her because she wanted to be the sole parent of the family home and you not an active part of it. You guys are not together honorably and it's important the new boundaries be respected by both sides for the sake and mental wellness of the children.
Regardless of circumstance, for whatever your reasons, you made the decision to not go and stay as asked, which is your right, meaning that her anger at you is her issue and you shouldn’t let it be a swaying factor in your decision making. It is going to be tough at first for everyone, but the respect is essential in consistency and preferably as a two way street, if not the children will quickly see it, whose not respectfully behaving admirably, and what consequences it brings upon the whole of the family. Act admirably and you do not have any reason to feel bad about anything.
If the honey-do list directly has an impact on the safety and well-being of the kids, I would encourage you consider helping her out emphasizing the reason being that which it is. If they don’t or are extreme, then you have the absolute right to decide she’s on her own and it’s not your obligation or problem because you're not actively wanted in the role in the family home.
Remember, unless you're invited over there to reconcile your marriage, any time you spend over there is to be with your kids, and if you're working/doing chores then you're not spending Quality time with the kids which defeats the purpose. Also, she doesn't get to dictate how you spend your time with your children, be it at a park, going to the movies, or such like a sporting event or other recreational activity or visiting other family members, etc. as there's a ton of things to do and places you can be outside the family home.
Handy as you are with your skill and value, your labor isn't owed and you should write a detailed contract Before doing any task big or small, especially if money is potentially involved be it parts or labor expectations SIGNED and dated by Both of you . If it's beyond your skills such as electrical, plumbing or putting on a new roof, suggest she call some place and get a professional quote for the work to be done, then tell her you'll review the quote and go from there, knowing you owe nothing but support to an ending marriage.
Divorce is divorce, both of you should expect it to be difficult, but many enjoy making their ex's suffer - it's 2021, time to promote equality and if she doesn't like it that's not your problem, but maintain your conduct in a respectful mannerism for the sake of the kids if for no other reasone.
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